Choosing a Mediator

Once a couple has decided to take advantage of the benefits of mediation, the next question is just as important as the decision itself: which mediator? Here are some things to keep in mind.

First and foremost, you're looking for somebody you can trust: someone with a solid reputation, real experience, and the discretion to guide you through a sensitive process. It's worth noting, too, that each mediator will have their own style. Some encourage couples to "leave emotions at the door" and treat the process as a business transaction, while others spend more time discussing the emotional impact of the decisions being made.

Mediation only works if both spouses are willing to engage with the same person. You can't unilaterally decide on a mediator if your spouse isn't on board, so the starting point is often a conversation between the two of you about whether you're open to mediation and, ideally, agreeing together on who to approach. Noam can help refer you to a divorce mediator suited to your specific case.

Some mediators charge for their time, while others are chesed mediators who help couples in the community divorce amicably at no charge. Research any mediator thoroughly, regardless of whether or not you will be paying them.

Asking your Rav, along with divorced friends or family members, is a good place to start your research when looking for a mediator.

• How long does the process typically take, and what does it actually look like: do you meet with the couple together, individually, or some combination of both?
• What do you charge, if anything?
• How do you handle a power imbalance between spouses, for instance when one person is more articulate, more assertive, more knowledgeable in a specific area, or simply more comfortable advocating for themselves? A good mediator has a plan for making sure both voices are heard fairly.
• Are you open to bringing in outside professionals when needed (financial advisors, therapists, and the like), or do you prefer to keep the process entirely between the two spouses?
• Do you have a specific lawyer who writes your agreements?
• What is your process when an agreement cannot be reached?
• How many cases do you work on at a time?
• How will you communicate with me, and how quickly can I expect a response?
• Do you have references? Divorced couples where you can speak to both spouses about their experience with a particular mediator are ideal.

Mediation with a Beis Din functions much like mediation through an attorney or any professional mediator. The core role is the same: a neutral party facilitating a conversation and helping both sides reach agreement. Most Batei Din will require you to try to resolve the relevant issues with their appointed or in-house mediator before giving you an arbitrated ruling on any issues that could not be agreed to.

One thing a Beis Din can offer that isn't typically available elsewhere is what's known as "med-arb," or mediation-arbitration. In this structure, the couple signs an arbitration agreement at the outset that builds in mediation as the first phase of the process. If that mediation fully resolves things, wonderful. But if it only partially succeeds, or doesn't succeed at all, the couple doesn't have to start over somewhere else. The same arbitration agreement allows the unresolved issues to move directly into binding arbitration, with the dayanim deciding what remains through a Din Torah.

Mediation is meant to be collaborative, with the mediator acting as a neutral party helping each of you reach your own decisions, adult to adult. You shouldn't come away feeling talked down to, coerced, or pressured into signing an agreement out of fear that refusing will lead to disaster.

Done well, mediation should leave you feeling seen, heard, and understood, and that feeling, more than anything else, is what tends to produce agreements that actually hold up over time.