Referring Out to Professionals

It is important for a Rav to recognize when an issue is outside the scope of his abilities. Recognizing when that happens is a skill that experienced rabbanim rely on constantly. Below are the situations most likely to call for a referral, followed by what to keep in mind once that referral is made.

A number of situations tend to signal that a case has moved beyond general rabbinic guidance and calls for a trusted therapist, marriage counselor, attorney, mediator, or arbitrator instead:

• Deeply entrenched conflict. When disagreement has become so entrenched that it isn't budging, outside intervention is often needed to get both sides talking productively again.
• Clear mental health concerns are best handled by someone qualified to address them directly.
• Abuse. Any situation involving abuse requires professional and often legal expertise well beyond general guidance.
• Parental alienation. Like abuse, this is a dynamic that calls for specialized understanding a rav typically won't have.
• Complex legal or financial issues. When the legal or financial elements of a divorce go beyond what's typical, they're often better sorted out with professional help.
• Addiction, in any form. Even veteran therapists describe addiction as a deeply complex field, and it often comes bundled with manipulation that can be hard to detect without sustained professional involvement. A well-meaning rav who isn't trained to recognize those dynamics can be misled without realizing it.

It is important to note that just because a difficult issue happens to surface in the context of a divorce does not mean that the rav suddenly becomes an expert in that issue. If the rav encounters an issue that in any other setting he would consult a professional about, the same is appropriate when dealing with divorce.

Referring a couple to a professional isn't handing off responsibility or stepping back from the relationship. It's a partnership with someone who can better help them in their particular situation. The rav still carries the responsibility of helping the family move through this period as safely and as cared-for as possible. Professionals simply bring insight and skill the rav doesn't have.

A few practices make referring out more effective. First, it helps enormously to already have a list of trusted professionals in hand. The growth of referral networks and organizations within the community in recent years has made it far easier to identify therapists who are both experienced and genuinely attuned to frum needs.

Second, how a referral is framed matters. A couple should understand that they're not being sent away. They're being connected to someone whose particular expertise can help them move forward on a specific issue, because the rav believes it will genuinely help.

Third, some couples are comfortable letting their rav communicate directly with a therapist, which requires a signed release to do so properly. Others prefer to keep those relationships separate: their rabbinic relationship in one space, their therapeutic or legal relationships in another. A couple should never be made to feel that setting that boundary reflects poorly on them or signals distrust of their rav.

Fourth, even once a referral is in place, staying engaged matters: continuing to meet with the couple, and importantly, making a point of speaking with both spouses, not just one. People don't necessarily absorb professional guidance the same way, and a rav's continued presence helps him see the fuller picture rather than relying solely on secondhand accounts. Where a couple is open to it, having a direct channel with the professional involved can add real value, letting information flow in both directions in a way that ultimately helps the couple more.

Referring a couple to a professional isn't the end of a rav's involvement. It comes with an ongoing responsibility to stay in communication with that professional, checking in to make sure the direction of the work continues to support reconciliation where possible, or at least an environment where the couple are working with each other rather than against each other. This is especially true with attorneys, where it's worth making sure their approach continues to align with the broader goal: helping the couple reach their divorce and their agreement in the most comfortable and least contentious way achievable.